Tag: humor

Breakfast of Champions

breakfast of champions on justruminating men's blog

If a diamond is forever,
then love is the San Francisco treat.
Just a little dab’ll do ya
so be all that you can be.

It’s the cheesiest, so just do it
you can have it your way.
So reach out and touch someone
it’s the best part of waking up.

And like a good neighbor, there’s
love and no more tears.
Once you pop, you can’t stop for
nobody does it like Sara Lee.

She lets her fingers do the walking
promise her anything, but give her love.
She’s come a long way baby
and brings good things to life.

But when it rains, I see it pours
and I deserve a break today.
For a mind is a terrible thing to waste
does she…or doesn’t she?

Her love is good to the last drop
so don’t treat your puppy like a dog!
Celebrate the moments of your life,
And don’t leave home without them.

I fly her friendly skies, they’re great
and I can have it my own way.
Keeps going, and going, and going
She is the pause that refreshes.

Takes a licking and keeps on ticking
nothing comes between me and my girl.
She tastes great though her love is less filling
I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!

Robmoji’s List: My Top 10 Childhood Crimes

wp-1487697129838.pngUgh, I’m so disgusted.  Ever since Annamoji came on the scene, her and Rob are having these crisis’s of conscience!  What does that mean for me?  DOOM!

They told me to confess my 10 worst childhood crimes (and later my top 10 Adult crimes) or they would relegate me to Rob’s subconscious again.  That’s some bullshit!  But, I like breathing fresh air and hitting on you chics here, so I guess it’s time to come clean.

All I ask is that you don’t judge me!  I haven’t been my “self” since there’s Rob and Annamoji to contend with!  You don’t know what it’s like to live with an Ego–Rob, and a Superego–Annamoji.  The struggle is real, dammitt.  Any sympathy comments at the end are welcome.

*1.  I almost burned down a tenement row when I was 8.  Me and my brother John went behind our apartment row and saw the door was open.  It was empty except for some paint cans.  I flicked a match I found into the paint can and we ran.  When we came back the paint can was on fire!  I ran to the faucet but the water was shut off.  We got the hell out of there.

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We came back a little later on and the entire room was ablaze!  We got the hell out of there and across the street.  That’s when John exclaimed that smoke was coming out of the roof!  We pounded on a neighbors door in another tenement row and the fire department came.  We got our pictures in the paper for saving the building.  My mother grilled us for an hour, saying she knew we had something to do with it.  We held up under the pressure.

*2.  I used to steal money off my father’s dresser and buy kids ice cream in elementary school.

*3.  I used to steal my mother’s jewelry and give it to girls I liked.

*4.  The first time I ever stole something from a store was gum at Bradlees.  I got caught and had to wait for my mother to come.  I got my ass tore up.

*5.  I completely destroyed the inside of a car wash adjacent to my house at age 12.  I stole a radio from inside, showed my brother Joe, and he ratted me out that prick.

*6.  Also at 12, I found out a kid had all these Liberty Silver Dollars in his house.  One day, I climbed up his front porch, broke into a window, and stole them.  He had over 150 of them.  My mother found them and locked them in a box that sat next to the refrigerator.  Sometimes it would be unlocked and I would steal some and use them for junk food and baseball cards.wp-1488162066861.png

*7.  I got kicked out of the Webster House–a group home for troubled teens, at 13 for smoking pot.  They shipped me to the Youth Detention Center.  YDC is a lock up facility for juvenile delinquents.

*8.  When I was 17, I worked at a gas station.  I walked into the office and there was a huge pile of money on it.  I stuck it in my pants and bolted out.  I circumvented the street grid, coming at the store from a different angle.  I shouted to my boss that someone was running out of the store.  Trying to deflect attention from me.  Of course, I was caught and had to spend weekends in jail for 6 months.

*9.  My new job at a resort in Weirs Beach, Laconia New Hampshire was another place I walked into the office, found a pile of money and stole it.  I walked back in 20 minutes later and the lady fired me.

*10.  In 1983, at age 18, I stole over 150 albums from a record store.  I tucked them under my heavy winter jacket.

I guess at some point I’m supposed to give you my top 10 Adult Crimes as well.  Yay for me.  Don’t be haters!

Robmoji List: What I Want In A Woman

wp-1487984701085.pngWHO IS ROBMOJI?

Now that I am free from Rob–mostly, he’s still all over my shit–I wanted to let all you lovely ladies know the top 10 things I am looking for in my next 9 month relationship–>Stay With Me Dummies! 

After you read this, if you think you’ve got the mettle to walk with Adonis here, you know how to get in touch with me.  Even emojis need love you know!  And Rob, stay the hell out of this one!  I’m lonely for cripes sake!  Just because you’re a drunk and homeless doesn’t mean you have to ruin it for everybody else.  Capiche AMIGO?

Top 10 Things I Want In A Woman (by Robmoji Avatar–what, did you think I had Rob’s last name?  Dummy!)

*1.  She has to have been broken.  Not so I can fix her, dummies.  So I know that her heart and soul are deep and true.  SO I know that she is utterly lovely inside.  She will have a tremendous respect for life that we can share.  I will respect her so much more.  We will share storms in common.  She will also understand that I may have a few (minor) issues.  And that is incredibly important because, well, I’m complicated.

*2.  She has to be an animal in the sheets.  Nothing mental here you wackos out there.  Robmoji don’t play that.  A woman who is confident in her own skin.  sheets on justruminating men's blogA woman who exudes, no, perspires sexuality.  A woman who takes charge and can be taken charge of.  Ok, you get the point.  Cripes, I could write a novel on this.

*3.  She must have high self esteem.  Nothing less attractive than a woman who constantly puts herself down, can’t spend an hour by herself, compares herself to other women.  I want a woman who is sure of herself.  She commands the room.  She doesn’t walk, she glides.  She believes in herself, always.  She knows herself.  She accepts herself for who she is.

*4.  She must be handy with tools.  I don’t do protractors, buzz saws, rip saws, whatever.  I can use a screwdriver and hammer.  A woman with a toolbelt–only–I think would be hot.

*5.  She has to have a license.  Thanks to Rob, I can’t drive until June.  Then, the idiot has to put some machine in his–nonexistent–car and blow in it to start it.  How pathetic is that?  texting on justruminating men's blogBesides, I don’t think licenses are legal for Avatars yet.  Hopefully you can drive well enough not to kill me.  NO texting and driving!  EVER.

*6.  She must be willing to use hair color.  That’s right, hair color.  I figure that way, when I start getting sick of the way you look, I’ll just ask you to change your hair color.  That should buy at least, what, 3 months before another change is required?  Plus I’ll feel like I’m with a new woman, with the same qualities!  The honeymoon clock would be reset!  Just think, we could move that 9 month benchmark back many times over.  Fuck soul mates, give me Clairol.  Sorry, you’ll have to buy your own, I’m saving for a new laptop.

*7.  She must be a good friend.  Friends talk about everything.  Friends understand one another and don’t hold grudges.  Friends are able to forgive without resentments building.  friends on justruminating men's blogFriends are able to be cool with each other without pressures of unrealistic relationship expectations.  Friends can talk openly and still have sex together–well, some can.

*8.  She must be smart.  It would be insanely lucky if she were a writer.  NO, I’m not just saying that because I’m on a blog dummy.  Sitting side by side at different desks, writing by candlelight, with incense burning, oh my that would be ethereal.  Not book smart necessarily, but that would be nice.  Life smart, street smart, savvy in the ways of the world.  Because, sometimes I haven’t been, so it would be nice to have someone who can pick me up during the times I fall.  Yes, cripes, I’ll do the same.  You people are so predictable.

*9.  She must take care of herself.  Listen, I’m not looking for a supermodel–though your application will be accepted!–I just want someone who doesn’t all of a sudden, 5 months into our relationship, is stuffing bon bons under her pillow and cheezits in her bra.  I want someone who takes pride in her appearance and wants to look good for ME all the time!  makeup on justruminating men's blogOh, I HATE excessive makeup, so if you are trying out to be a mannequin, no need to apply.

*10.  She has to be an intelligent communicator.  What I mean is that she can speak her mind.  She is able to discuss things and then move on in life, not build a file on all my wrongdoings–cause there will be a few!  She needs to be smart enough to know when NOT to communicate–like if I’m having a mood and need time alone.  She needs to be able to ask the right questions to get beyond my issues.

That’s all.  I HIGHLY doubt any of you qualify.  However, feel free to refer your mother, sister, aunt, co-worker, friend to me for further consideration.  Now go away.

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Robmoji Says: There Are No Soulmates Dummies

wp-1487940947583.pngWHO IS ROBMOJI?

Newflash people:  THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS YOUR SOULMATE!  We are all connected to the fabric of life; therefore, YOU don’t get to slice one out for your convenience.

Have you ever bothered to notice here in blog world, how many people are fucked up because of bad relationships?  No, I didn’t think so.  That’s because you have your head up your ass dreaming about “THE ONE.”

Wake up!  Divorce is at an all-time high.  Were you cheated on by the one that you thought was “THE ONE?”  Well that’s because he/she wasn’t!  Kill the unicorns, bury the flowers, run from the rainbow you disillusioned fools!divorce

I know of maybe 2% of the entire population that is “happily” married.  And they are full of it!  We are not built for monogamy.  We are built to love many in our lifetimes.  I have the remedy for what ails you:  get your fucking head out of the clouds and wake up!  Robmoji has a simple solution for your retarded angst:

Here’s what you do.  You find someone you really like–or for cryin’ out loud “love.”  You make a deal with them:

When the flower and candy phase is over.  When ridiculous amount of texts, emails, phone calls trail off.  When you start moving to your side of the bed instead of–ugh-“snuggling.  When you’ve exhausted all possible sexual positions.  When she is watching TV and he is on the internet looking at porn, you should both just shake hands and thank each other for the wonderful relationship, and step off!

There you go!  No need to bellyache that you thought he/she was the one–because they weren’t–no need to start that downward spiral.  No need to cheat on one another.  No need to go over your friends and bawl about they don’t do this anymore, they don’t do that anymore.  Just shake fucking hands, wave goodbye, and tip-tip-tallyho!

goodbye on justruminating men's blog

Think about it:  you can remove a lot of bullshit by just knowing up front that the steak isn’t going to sizzle after a while, and you both want to eat at a different restaurant when that happens.  There’s over 7.35 BILLION people on the planet folks!!.  Do you honestly think you are going to find a damn soul mate out there?

Too much love literature, WAY too much fake tv fuels ridiculous notion of how love works.  It’s pathetic.  You’re pathetic for buying into that retarded pipe dream.  Don’t EVEN get me started on this fucking Twin Flames shit–I’ll just lose my mind.  Those folks are sniffin glue or something.

Go find a hot guy/gal, have a great time for about 9 months, then move on.  Enjoy the initial flame of love, and when your bottle rocket of romance hits the pavement, MOVE ON.  And by the way, don’t start whining about this post.  Deal with it.  And don’t comment to Rob, he still believes in that crap.  What a loser.  He makes me sick.

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Robmoji’s List: What Men Want You To Know

wp-1487810209444.pngWHO IS ROBMOJI?

 Well, here I am with another one of my famously famous lists.  However, I can’t take credit for this idea, I actually got it reading one of my all-time favorite poets blog:

Tosha is awesome, and her post “All About Men–A New List, inspired me to compile my list:  (things that we don’t tell you because we don’t want to get bitched at, and you say you want us to be honest but that’s not really what you mean what you really mean is agree with you do the honeydolist, hand me your paycheck and then shut the fuck up.)  Kidding, kidding.  Some of you take me waaaaaay to seriously.

But I digress.  So without further ado, after intensive research and surveys of thousands of men, I have come up with what I think would be 10 Things Men Want You To Know–fine, I didn’t survey thousands of men, I only surveyed myself.

*1.  Please stop complaining about us leaving the toilet seat up.  toilet seatHere’s how this works:  we put it up without ever complaining, so you can put it down!

*2.  When you say “nothing” after we ask you “What’s wrong?” it makes us want to stop asking you what’s wrong.  Just open up and tell us–immediately, not after 5 hours of pushing, pulling, prodding.  Unless, of course, we’re the problem, then we’ll just leave you alone immediately.

That’s a special clause we use.  Yes, we know you have to “process” and that you need “alone” time.  Just stop saying “nothing.”  Hopefully you are not with a moron, so most of us get that that answer is horseshit.

*3.  We don’t know where “honey-do” list or “man-cave” came from, but you are strictly banned from using them.  They are stupid, idiotic, and relegate our manhood to some caveman era.  And they couldn’t really talk or write that well.  We can.  Whatever happened to “Hey honey, I’ll be in the DEN?”

*4.  We love to keep things hot in the bedroom, and pretty much every other surface but places like a rigging well, an electrified fence, and isle 5 at Walmart–which has future possibilities.  sexBUT, using sex as a weapon is a major problem.  Sex is sex, problems are problems.  When we fight we only want you that much more.  Sex as a weapon is a relationship killer, bet your life on it.

*5.  Keeping things hot and spicy in the relationship is a TWO PERSON JOB.  Sometimes we can’t tell you what we want, but try EVERYTHING, pretty sure that will work 99% of the time.  In other words, it’s not just the man’s job to come up with new places, ideas for sex.  Take some initiative (and NOT just on Valentine’s day) to keep us engaged.  The better half of us will do our part.

*6.  Along the lines of keeping things interesting:  What you like we like.  We love little notes stuck in our lunch, briefcase, pants pockets.  An email, a letter mailed to us–yes, you read that correctly.  The little things make all the difference.  At least some of us men still do get that.  But rarely is that reciprocal.

lovenote on justruminating men's blog

*7.  Complain to us about your life, the kids, work, the world.  Complain to your girlfriends about your girlfriends.  I am pretty sure that NONE of us want to listen to girl talk.  You know what we mean.  We are your “everything”, but not your girlfriend.

*8.  Taking healthy personal time with friends or alone does not mean we are not interested in you anymore, it means we need me time.  Be confident enough in your own skin that you can allow us to do this and not make us feel guilty about it later.  Notice I did say “healthy personal time” so don’t bug me out!

*9.  “What Are You Thinking?” Why is it important for you to know our exact thought process right this very second? The whole question itself is ridiculous and irritates the heck out of even the calmest and all-forgiving person.  Never ask this again please, and thank you!

*10.  Over communicating.  Oh, the days of just a regular telephone, sweet silence!  Seriously girls. Is that necessary to call all the time? Bugging us and checking every tiny little detail during your day?!  Men do not like that much attention when it is over the top. yapping on justruminating men's blogTo them, it lingers at the borderline of obsessive, demanding and jealous.

You don’t need to keep us updated about every move and every little detail, just as you don’t need to know what we are doing, where we are and what we are thinking about right now every minute of the day. Give us some space. Give us some time to miss you!

My mother’s tip for a successful relationship:  “NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY”  Happy loving folks.  I found this graphic, and I believe it includes all the components that are important except for wild sex.  What works for you?

relationship on justruminating men's blog