Now that I am free from Rob–mostly, he’s still all over my shit–I wanted to let all you lovely ladies know the top 10 things I am looking for in my next 9 month relationship–>Stay With Me Dummies!
After you read this, if you think you’ve got the mettle to walk with Adonis here, you know how to get in touch with me. Even emojis need love you know! And Rob, stay the hell out of this one! I’m lonely for cripes sake! Just because you’re a drunk and homeless doesn’t mean you have to ruin it for everybody else. Capiche AMIGO?
Top 10 Things I Want In A Woman (by Robmoji Avatar–what, did you think I had Rob’s last name? Dummy!)
*1. She has to have been broken. Not so I can fix her, dummies. So I know that her heart and soul are deep and true. SO I know that she is utterly lovely inside. She will have a tremendous respect for life that we can share. I will respect her so much more. We will share storms in common. She will also understand that I may have a few (minor) issues. And that is incredibly important because, well, I’m complicated.
*2. She has to be an animal in the sheets. Nothing mental here you wackos out there. Robmoji don’t play that. A woman who is confident in her own skin. A woman who exudes, no, perspires sexuality. A woman who takes charge and can be taken charge of. Ok, you get the point. Cripes, I could write a novel on this.
*3. She must have high self esteem. Nothing less attractive than a woman who constantly puts herself down, can’t spend an hour by herself, compares herself to other women. I want a woman who is sure of herself. She commands the room. She doesn’t walk, she glides. She believes in herself, always. She knows herself. She accepts herself for who she is.
*4. She must be handy with tools. I don’t do protractors, buzz saws, rip saws, whatever. I can use a screwdriver and hammer. A woman with a toolbelt–only–I think would be hot.
*5. She has to have a license. Thanks to Rob, I can’t drive until June. Then, the idiot has to put some machine in his–nonexistent–car and blow in it to start it. How pathetic is that? Besides, I don’t think licenses are legal for Avatars yet. Hopefully you can drive well enough not to kill me. NO texting and driving! EVER.
*6. She must be willing to use hair color. That’s right, hair color. I figure that way, when I start getting sick of the way you look, I’ll just ask you to change your hair color. That should buy at least, what, 3 months before another change is required? Plus I’ll feel like I’m with a new woman, with the same qualities! The honeymoon clock would be reset! Just think, we could move that 9 month benchmark back many times over. Fuck soul mates, give me Clairol. Sorry, you’ll have to buy your own, I’m saving for a new laptop.
*7. She must be a good friend. Friends talk about everything. Friends understand one another and don’t hold grudges. Friends are able to forgive without resentments building. Friends are able to be cool with each other without pressures of unrealistic relationship expectations. Friends can talk openly and still have sex together–well, some can.
*8. She must be smart. It would be insanely lucky if she were a writer. NO, I’m not just saying that because I’m on a blog dummy. Sitting side by side at different desks, writing by candlelight, with incense burning, oh my that would be ethereal. Not book smart necessarily, but that would be nice. Life smart, street smart, savvy in the ways of the world. Because, sometimes I haven’t been, so it would be nice to have someone who can pick me up during the times I fall. Yes, cripes, I’ll do the same. You people are so predictable.
*9. She must take care of herself. Listen, I’m not looking for a supermodel–though your application will be accepted!–I just want someone who doesn’t all of a sudden, 5 months into our relationship, is stuffing bon bons under her pillow and cheezits in her bra. I want someone who takes pride in her appearance and wants to look good for ME all the time! Oh, I HATE excessive makeup, so if you are trying out to be a mannequin, no need to apply.
*10. She has to be an intelligent communicator. What I mean is that she can speak her mind. She is able to discuss things and then move on in life, not build a file on all my wrongdoings–cause there will be a few! She needs to be smart enough to know when NOT to communicate–like if I’m having a mood and need time alone. She needs to be able to ask the right questions to get beyond my issues.
That’s all. I HIGHLY doubt any of you qualify. However, feel free to refer your mother, sister, aunt, co-worker, friend to me for further consideration. Now go away.