Well, here I am with another one of my famously famous lists. However, I can’t take credit for this idea, I actually got it reading one of my all-time favorite poets blog:
Tosha is awesome, and her post “All About Men–A New List, inspired me to compile my list: (things that we don’t tell you because we don’t want to get bitched at, and you say you want us to be honest but that’s not really what you mean what you really mean is agree with you do the honeydolist, hand me your paycheck and then shut the fuck up.) Kidding, kidding. Some of you take me waaaaaay to seriously.
But I digress. So without further ado, after intensive research and surveys of thousands of men, I have come up with what I think would be 10 Things Men Want You To Know–fine, I didn’t survey thousands of men, I only surveyed myself.
*1. Please stop complaining about us leaving the toilet seat up. Here’s how this works: we put it up without ever complaining, so you can put it down!
*2. When you say “nothing” after we ask you “What’s wrong?” it makes us want to stop asking you what’s wrong. Just open up and tell us–immediately, not after 5 hours of pushing, pulling, prodding. Unless, of course, we’re the problem, then we’ll just leave you alone immediately.
That’s a special clause we use. Yes, we know you have to “process” and that you need “alone” time. Just stop saying “nothing.” Hopefully you are not with a moron, so most of us get that that answer is horseshit.
*3. We don’t know where “honey-do” list or “man-cave” came from, but you are strictly banned from using them. They are stupid, idiotic, and relegate our manhood to some caveman era. And they couldn’t really talk or write that well. We can. Whatever happened to “Hey honey, I’ll be in the DEN?”
*4. We love to keep things hot in the bedroom, and pretty much every other surface but places like a rigging well, an electrified fence, and isle 5 at Walmart–which has future possibilities. BUT, using sex as a weapon is a major problem. Sex is sex, problems are problems. When we fight we only want you that much more. Sex as a weapon is a relationship killer, bet your life on it.
*5. Keeping things hot and spicy in the relationship is a TWO PERSON JOB. Sometimes we can’t tell you what we want, but try EVERYTHING, pretty sure that will work 99% of the time. In other words, it’s not just the man’s job to come up with new places, ideas for sex. Take some initiative (and NOT just on Valentine’s day) to keep us engaged. The better half of us will do our part.
*6. Along the lines of keeping things interesting: What you like we like. We love little notes stuck in our lunch, briefcase, pants pockets. An email, a letter mailed to us–yes, you read that correctly. The little things make all the difference. At least some of us men still do get that. But rarely is that reciprocal.
*7. Complain to us about your life, the kids, work, the world. Complain to your girlfriends about your girlfriends. I am pretty sure that NONE of us want to listen to girl talk. You know what we mean. We are your “everything”, but not your girlfriend.
*8. Taking healthy personal time with friends or alone does not mean we are not interested in you anymore, it means we need me time. Be confident enough in your own skin that you can allow us to do this and not make us feel guilty about it later. Notice I did say “healthy personal time” so don’t bug me out!
*9. “What Are You Thinking?” Why is it important for you to know our exact thought process right this very second? The whole question itself is ridiculous and irritates the heck out of even the calmest and all-forgiving person. Never ask this again please, and thank you!
*10. Over communicating. Oh, the days of just a regular telephone, sweet silence! Seriously girls. Is that necessary to call all the time? Bugging us and checking every tiny little detail during your day?! Men do not like that much attention when it is over the top. To them, it lingers at the borderline of obsessive, demanding and jealous.
You don’t need to keep us updated about every move and every little detail, just as you don’t need to know what we are doing, where we are and what we are thinking about right now every minute of the day. Give us some space. Give us some time to miss you!
My mother’s tip for a successful relationship: “NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY” Happy loving folks. I found this graphic, and I believe it includes all the components that are important except for wild sex. What works for you?