So ya, I was on the crapper and I got to thinking about things I really hate, and things that really aggravate me. I made this list to make it easier for you to pay attention. You’re welcome.
*1. I hate it when someone leaves the roll of toilet paper with, like two sheets left. I mean, I have to bend over, hope my cheeks are staying open then duck walk to get a new roll. Come on, you’ve all done it.
*2. How about the lady who has been standing in line at the checkout with you–for like an hour–then decides she wants to pull out the checkbook at the counter. WTF lady! You couldn’t pull it out any time BEFORE then? And who the hell uses checks anymore anyway? Aren’t they like banned in 40 countries?
*3. You think leaving the milk in the fridge with 2 drops left is fooling anyone? Dope, I’m gonna know as soon as I pick it up! Just finish it off and throw it away. Same goes for the Peanut Butter. You don’t do it with the clear jars do you? Oh no, cause then I would know what the hell you’re up to! Knock it off!
*4. Let’s see, can anyone give me a good definition for a LINE? Lines have been around since Jesus gave those minions by the sea bread and fish, am I right? Of course I am. He stands in front of me. I stand in front of her, in line, waiting our turns!
Nowhere does it say that YOU get to come up and cut the line. Also, there is no letting someone cut the line! You are not that important. You don’t get to make that call. There is an unseen force that is in charge of lines. And it’s definitely NOT YOU! Get in line with the rest of us chump.
*5. Some people did not pay attention to Elmo when they were little. Forget some dolts didn’t have tv, the word got around. There is a RIGHT WAY to sneeze dammitt! NOT all over me, the food, the wall, the ground, the desk, the door. NO! Here it is for all you disgusting humans that are rude and gross, Elmo’s explanation on how to properly sneeze. By the way, age isn’t an excuse, he’s been teaching kids how to sneeze for like, 1,000 years. Initiate it into your life, TODAY for God’s Sake.
*6. People who push their pets into our faces should be shot on site. YOU love your pet, I don’t. I may have a pet one day and I can ASSURE YOU, I will NOT be posting it on Instagram, Telegram, Sam I Am, or any other place in the entire damn universe!
*7. I have perused the internet on many dating sites in my day, so LADIES PAY ATTENTION: If you are going to upload pictures, how about making them attractive? Side shots of you walking, pictures of you freakin’ animals (see above, in case by some catastrophe you missed it). Pictures taken from a mile away, photos from the Dark Ages WILL NOT procure you a normal human being. I mean, do I really need to say this? WAKE UP! You are trying to find Mr. Right, not some knuckle-dragging troglodyte that has never seen the outside of a basement, right?
*8. Mega likers just fuck off. Go to hell and die on the way. I know your game, you know your game, we all know your game. You are so very stupid if you think you fool any of the people you are “liking.” So stop, just…freakin’…stop. Could be Facebook, Cookie Knook, Johnny’s Gook, Dummy Spook, anywhere. STOP!
*9. Ten mile long posts. Why? For the love of God why??!! How much freakin’ time do you think I have anyway? You can’t get your point across without trying to set a record for word count? Sum it up chump! Most of what you are writing is REDUNDANT! Unless you are trying to solve the riddle of the universe, KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID. That’s why you’re stuck at -25 followers. A picture or two wouldn’t kill you would it? Ugh…
*10. This list, ugh, I’m annoyed with it. Good luck.