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justruminatingI owe you all an apology.  As much as I have always prided myself on being up front and honest about my life–almost to a fault–I haven’t shared with you the essence of my afflictions.

I feel like I owe you an apology because I have always been truthful with you, and I feel as though I have been living a lie by not exposing my darkest issues and behaviors.

So, I think in the coming weeks I am going to have to find the fortitude to lay it all on the line.  Some of the topics may well alienate some of you away from my blog.  fear on justruminating men's blogI have always prided myself on supposedly not giving a shit what people think.  Well, suddenly I am realizing that I must, because I am afraid to expose my ugliness to you.  Ultimately it is what I have to do.

Since I disagree with A.A.’s Step in which you are to make amends to those you have wronged as long as where to do so wouldn’t be harmful to them. I am going to make my amends to over 1,100 of you instead.  Besides, these folks don’t want to hear from me.  Some of them could care less whether I live or die.

I’ve been mulling this over all day.  I have come to the conclusion that I will not fully recover unless I disclose the exact nature of my wrongs.  To me, it’s just too safe and convenient to do it to one male human being in AA.  amends on justruminating men's blogThat seems to be a copout to me.  I’m willing to face my community with the truth you deserve.  I would be a hypocrite if I did not.

Some of my bleaker behaviors have to do with women.  Many of you, dear readers, are women.  So, if I am really going to be a truly transformed human being, then I will do it here.

I cannot control how you will react.  I cannot change who I was.  I had a lot of things going on in my life, no excuses though.  I will get into those with each post.  I do know for the first time in my life I am willing to be accountable for my behaviors.

Stay tuned…damn the torpedo’s!

accountable