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justruminating

So, it’s been a full two weeks since I wrote my Letter To My Ex Wife.  In that letter I apologized for my behavior during our marriage.  I also pleaded with her to speak to my two 20+ year old sons, to see if they would consider talking to me or visiting with me.

I know the letter went to the right house.  I know that she probably read it, because I used an official looking V.A. envelope.  I didn’t write anything but her address on the envelope.

My oldest son, Nick (24) is in the Marines, so I thought she would think it was about him.  But I guess I can’t be 100% sure.

See, the thing is, I don’t feel I was so terrible that it justifies my kids hating me so much and not wanting to have any contact with me.  It really hurts me tremendously that they would just continue to feel this way after all these years.

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uncle bob (r.i.p.), unt sue, me (100lbs extra ago!), half-sister Jesse, Matt (now 22), Nick (now 24)

I was a terrific father to them once I left the household.  I know that sounds odd, but I was so much better with them than when I was at home.  I never drank or was drunk in front of my children, not ever.

I took them hiking, fishing, on trips, swimming, etc.  I always hugged them and told them I loved them.  I always spent my visitation with them completely focused on them.  I was never distracted by phones, the computer, television.

I guess that’s why I was hoping some of that would creep over to them as they got older.  I haven’t seen them in over 10 years.  It is very difficult for me to accept that they do not want to see me, but I made many efforts through the years.

And today, I have to accept this possible outcome.  I will probably write another letter.  But for now, I am going to have to live with the silence.