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justruminating

So yesterday I saw the head Psychiatrist for the program.  We have been monitoring how I’ve been doing on 1,400mg of Lithium.

I reported to him that I was not doing all that well.  I’m just so bored.  No matter what I try to do I can’t seem to settle my thoughts and emotions.

As many of you may recall I started my Work Therapy job last week.  I am supposed to work around the vast grounds of the VA.  In just about two weeks, I may have worked all of three hours.  I hate going to it.  I refuse to wrap up a full 2 more months here going to a job where I sit on a couch and vegetate.

depression on justruminating men's blog

Also, I informed him, I am habitually borderline depressed.  I get up and instead of being happy and excited in recovery, I am tired, annoyed, aggravated and mildly depressed.  It hasn’t always been this way.  It has been just the past few weeks.  And, the more I try to fill that void, the emptier it seems to get; it’s infuriating!

I am desperately lonely.  I don’t have anyone I can really talk to.  Nor do I choose to talk to any of the guys here.  It’s like this constant river of muddiness flows within me.  Sure, I get moments of peace and satisfaction, you all know that.  But what I am talking about is a condition of being overall.

No matter how many meetings I go to.  No matter how much I focus on positivity, and acceptance, and gratitude.  No matter how much I write.  No matter how much I commune with nature, my general demeanor is shit.  I just don’t know how to find tranquility and peace.  Actually, I do, but sustaining it over an extended period of time escapes me.

psychiatrist on justruminating men's blog

Sooooo, Dr. Osser’s answer is to start me on another medication.  A medication that is supposed to combat Bipolar Depression:  Lamotrigine, I think it’s called.  I still don’t think I am Biploar because I have the absence of Manic Episodes–or so I believe.

I don’t get all this giddy, happy-go-lucky Manic affect he keeps describing.  I do get sad, lonely, angry, irritated, depressed, bored, hopeless, lethargic, apathetic, and tons more opposite emotions of mania.

But he’s the expert, and at this point I really don’t care what he puts me on, to be honest with you.  I just need to feel somewhat stable and less irritable, anxious, depressed, and all the other shitty emotions I constantly have been feeling.  I also told him I wanted to be removed from my job.

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I want and put into the Gym job that just opened up due to one of the residents not coming back on Sunday.  In the last two weeks, three residents have bailed on the program.  And if I were to guess, at least two more look like they are borderline snap cases.

I’ll be damned if I am going to be one of them.  If I have to go on medication to stabilize my thoughts and emotions, then by God’s bring on the drugs!  Failure is not an option, and if I don’t get a bead on this, things are going to turn to shit in a hurry.