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justruminatingAs a recovering alcoholic faced with his emotions I can tell you that finding inner peace is not an easy thing.

I talk with  my therapist about this all the time:  “Why can’t I just wake up one day and just be content for the entire day?”

It seems that no matter what activities I surround myself with:  AA Meetings, reading the Big Book, listening to my music, blogging, even former relationships, I am still left with the gnawing in my gut.

I still feel irritable and restless most days.  This pisses me off!  Although I am surrounding myself with activities, I am still restless and dissatisfied.  And then, when I went skiing yesterday, I cam across a possible reason.

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View From Loon Mountain Saturday

I still have not found my Higher Power.  I think my Higher Power might actually be nature.  When I was standing on top of that mountain, breathing that crisp New Hampshire air, I felt that elusive peace I have been searching for.

I have not found this peace in the Bible, the Quran, the Big Book, not in any of the other activities I have yet pursued since coming out of jail in October.

Now, obviously I can’t be in nature 24/7, so how do I sustain this peaceful contentment?  How do I keep my afflicted mind from taking over and sitting on the throne all day, ruling my emotions?  Well, I think I know how:

Meditation.  I can meditate myself to any place I want to go.  I was meditating all the time at my previous program.  I stopped meditating because I’ve used the excuse that I have no privacy.  Well, I have to make privacy.  I have to find a way each and everyday to meditate so I can join nature.

Meditating

I think I did a post a few months back on what nature has meant to me throughout my life.  I feel that oneness I long to feel with the universe when I am fully present in nature.  I feel as if I journey home when I immerse myself in nature.  And, if I can’t get into nature, I know I can get there through my mind!

So today, it’s back to meditating!  It’s back to nature.  By doing so I come back home to myself!  At least that is what I am thinking.  I’ll keep you posted.