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justruminatingIf you don’t have the back story down, you might want to read my post from yesterday titled “My Recovery:  My Children.”  It will explain why I am writing this letter.

I have decided to share my letter to my Ex-Wife with you, because my blog is primarily about recovery–with poetry and music mixed in–and to exclude it would be disingenuous.

And, as always, I welcome all of your feedback, impressions, comments!  Even though this blog is about my recovery, it’s really about everyone’s recovery in some sense or another, isn’t it?

Dear Judy,

I can only imagine the look on your face when you saw my name on the outside of the envelope.  I just want you to know that I am hoping that my letter doesn’t seem intrusive to you.  But I had to write.

It’s been close to 10 years since we last had contact, I think.  I am not sure.  My brain doesn’t function as well as it used to.  I guess I will just cut right down to it.  We are not getting any younger and, now that I am in recovery, I am hoping that perhaps we could meet and discuss more of the content of this letter.

In May of 2016, after a few years of severe alcohol abuse and a mutually destructive relationship, I went to jail.  I served only 5 months, but that was all I needed to finally come to terms with the fact that I had to make some serious changes.  I could have come out of jail and gone right back to work for the dealership, but I chose to enter a V.A. Treatment Program and continue not drinking when I got out in October.

I then volunteered for the program I am currently in, a 3 month V.A. Residential Work/Treatment Program here in Brockton.  From here I plan on transitioning to a structured living VA Program in Pittsfield for another 6 months.  I have been clean and sober for over 8 months.  It’s the first time I have put more than 3 months sobriety together since I was 17.

I’m not writing you to blow my horn.  I just wanted you to know what I have been doing and the reason why I am contacting you.  Not only would I like to see if we can at least get past ancient history, I am hoping that you will consider speaking to Nick and Matt and telling them that I still desperately want to see them.

This may seem out of the blue to you, but in actuality–as you may or may not know–I’ve tried to reach them many, many times over the years until they finally shut me down from Facebook.  I know in your heart of hearts you know I’ve never stopped loving the boys. 

When I made the decision to leave them just with you, rather than split them unhappily between us, I thought I was doing the right thing.  I really did.  I saw the toll it was taking, sharing custody, especially as they got older.  They didn’t seem to want to visit me anymore.  Looking back, perhaps it wasn’t the best decision, but I made the decision and what’s done is done.  It was a very painful one that I did not make easily.

I know that none of what I am saying may matter to you.  And I do get that.  I am simply writing asking that you please at least tell them that I am trying to amend my ways.  I never got drunk in front of them.  I know in my heart of hearts I was a good father.  But we both know I was a t a serious disadvantage due to our contentious relationship.

Judy, I am sorry for the things I’ve said and done.  For my part, which was great, I did you wrong on so many levels.  I can never undo those things.  But as we both march onwards towards 60 (omg), I am hoping that we can somehow find a way to mend at least part of the fence.

I am not proud of what I did to you.  I was never really there for you.  Yes, we had some good times, but let’s face it:  I was a self-centered, self-absorbed, drinking, drugging, abusive man.  I may not deserve your forgiveness when it is all said and done.  I will have to live with that if that’s the case. 

But I truly am very sorry for my actions.  This is by no means as thorough an apology as I would like to discuss should you agree to see me.  If not, just know that I didn’t just get sorry about my treatment of you this year; it has bothered me for many years.

I finally want to say that I am not the man you married in 1991.  I have changed.  I have pure intentions and my desire is to only see what reparations I can make with you and the kids.  I am now is clean, sober, under medication for my Bipolar and PTSD (which I had no idea I had for many years).  I am learning about living like a decent human being who worries about other things and people other than himself for once.

This is one such instance.  Please talk to Nick and Matt and I am asking you once again to find it in your heart to ask them and encourage them to see me, or at least talk to me on the phone.  I bring no baggage to the scene.  I have no drama to cloud over their lives with.  I just want to know my sons.  I miss them terribly.  And you are the only one who can make that happen.

Sincerely,

Rob