I’ve decided to try a new feature in my blog: Sunny Side Up (I actually like over medium eggs lol) me trying to be my funny, sarcastic, positive, uplifting, grateful, off the wall self! I am going to show my positive side. My life is not all doom and gloom, And WovenEclipse helped me see that. So, thank you Rebecca!
So tonight is my last night here at the VA Campus at Jamaica Plain! Tomorrow, I embark on a 3 month Work/Study VA Program in Brockton. I have renewed hope and faith in the next step of my journey.
Although I am anxious–mainly because I hate moving stuff, going to a new place, probably going to have a roommate–I am filled with the hope and promise of my journey.
In this 6 (turned 8) week program, I experienced my first Residential Treatment Program in my 52 years. It is actually my first honest attempt at sobriety since I started drinking 35 years ago. I am hopeful in the sense that I do not hope per se. I am full of hope because really it is promise.
To hope for something actually is just this second suggesting to me that I am not in control of, nor secure in, my recovered future. That is not the case. To hope for something suggests leaving things to circumstances, divine intervention, luck. No, I think I will change the title to this blog to Hope/Promise. I will achieve the promise that is a new life!
Tomorrow is the promise of further recovery. It is the promise I continue to make to myself for deep introspection and heavy labor change. Time to take the big machinery out; my soul’s excavation is underway! I have lots of sadness and trauma that made me who I am. Today, I embrace that.
I will not be defined by the circumstances that brought me to these halls. No, I choose now to simply be. To be ok with who I am turning out to be. To be ok with the events that have unfolded throughout my life. Today, I take back my life. I take control of it and will shape it back into the essence of who I was supposed to be all along.
That inner child that became mangled and transformed by the environment is before me. It’s like I am seeing him for the first time in over 50 years. I am startled by his presence; he has been gone for so long! I feel this purity in my thinking, this purity of emotion. I have been looking for him for so damn long.
And so, this is my promise. Just this small child is full of promise, I will secure it for myself. I leave these halls and go to a new residence. I will be fearless. I will do the work. I will engage in behaviors that will secure the essence that was me. I will secure the life that for so many years, I was denied and then I denied myself! Let’s go kid…
we will not be denied again…