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used to should have on justruminating men's blog

She’d say

you used to
pen little notes
to me
used to text
me
all the time

used to
beg me for
those poses
in panties
gathering dust
in the dresser

you used to
tune into
me
when I talked
used to  smile
at me always

used to
throw me
anywhere
and show
me why I
mattered

I should have
told her why
but by then
retreat was
complete I
used to drift

where I would
imagine the
thoughts I
wanted to say
wanted to share
wanted to feel

where I would
talk about
forgiveness
letting go
moving past
perceived wrongs

and dead pauses
and bad timing
and change
and vagrant looks
and wrong choices

but then
no matter
it was decided
always before I
ever decided
to stop the bleeding

I should have
said that she
never listened
never gave ground
to get beyond
her ugliness

her jealousies
her insecurities
her pettiness
her retribution
for a thousand
paper cuts

She said I inflicted

I should have
regrouped
come at it
a different way
no matter
she always decided

We should have
quit way back
when the
liquid bandaids
started this
theatre run

doomed almost from
the start
all those lights
actors called in
scabs really
to play parts

which were
hastily sketched
around fragile love
not fleshed out
barely rehearsed
it’s no wonder

I used to and I should have

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Rob Levasseur